So a couple days ago Puxatoney Phil saw his shadow, and of course that means that friggin Groundhog has doomed us with another 6 grueling weeks of winter. Who cares if the first day of spring is officially 6 weeks away anyways. It is just a prime example of how groundhogs should be the most hated animal on planet earth. Don't believe me? Did you know more people in sweden die because of groundhog behavior then because of shark attacks! in 2002 there were 0 shark related deaths in sweden, Groundhog related deaths that year...guess, 5? Higher. 10? Higher. 50? Higher! 1,180 Groundhog related deaths! One Thousand One Hundred and Eighty Groundhog related deaths! Why haven't we exterminated these plumb rat rip offs yet?!? Why do we have to wait for spring to come just because a beaver reject is so stupid and yellow bellied he shits his pants and runs back into his hole everytime he sees his shadow on february 2nd? And did you know Puxatoney Phil isn't the only one of these furry death machines doing this? The world weather is affected by these things! There's one named Balzac Billy, BALZAC! And how could I leave out Sir Walter Willy from North Carolina, he's a royal! If we don't start taking care of this problem people, we could be looking at a very bleak future of total winter where we answer to Groundhog overlords who determine if we live or die on whether they sleep on their left side or right! That to me sounds like a horrible future and I am standing up for human rights against these evil deformed chipmunks!
On a side note, If you live in PA you know about the second most famous groundhog, Gus. He's always around telling the PA citizens what they could win from the PA lotto. Thats right Groundhogs now have the ability to walk upright, talk, Rap and gamble like the rest of us. I say first thing we do is assasinate this anthropogenic mutation before he multiplies. ( Itried finding a video of Gus online, but there were none, the groundhogs must be keeping it secret until there numbers are great enough, sneaky fucks)
Whats Ironic is we're not so lucky this demonhog is alive
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